Hurts like a motherfucker!

Dis-honesty!  Well no one likes it, but the same cannot be told about the person being dishonest! Let’s not get into the philosophical mood with this one and try to keep it light and simple. So yes! Dishonesty, why a sudden plunge into the age old urge to talk about the man’s character? Well lately, that’s because, I have been dishonest with myself, and the fact that I realize it in quite a subtle way, results in quite catastrophic results. I am trying hard to come up to terms with the fact , that mediocrity and being average is something, that hurts the ego most, but what can we do about it? Is there a way out of it? Yes sure! There always is! Work harder BITCH!.

One of the very profound questionnaire  I read in quora a few days back will give you a good look into what I intend to say here. So here it goes:

What makes young men turn into grumpy old men?

Some gentlemen gave a fine answer to it

That’s because, he dreamt too high and never worked hard enough for it!

 Magnificent isn't it? If this was a reading comprehension passage, I being the author would just declare the above line as the main theme/purpose/gist/tone. Ahh, I would have surely earned some blessing from the students. Anyways, not to sway away from the subject matter here. Lately, there is an itchy feeling that whatever I have done is just not enough. I am not doing something right, which when I see around, every tom has figured out. What is it? What am I missing? Should I sit and burn my midnight oil just for the sake of working hard? Or in simple words I show a common symptom of being mediocre! But how to deal with this big bloated ego, which gets hurt like a motherfucker in the whole situation. How do I console it? Should I sit down and be content with whatever I have in my kitty bag and not crib about things I can’t have! Nahh! That just won’t happen! It’s against the principle of ambitious middle class dude.

So where is it going from here? just to clarify the oblivious ones! I am running a rat race, this time the other way round, as the rats are running after CAT! Oh the irony! The internal demons are so fucking obvious now days that the introspection of the soul seems a futile exercise, as it is just in your face. I happen to realize, that my efforts are not sufficient enough. I don’t know the story behind the hard work and pain that tom took to become better than the average. I don’t know, if I am in the right track, I don’t know, if my effort will ever count. The whole episode concludes to just one thing, I am being very dishonest with myself.

 But that doesn't stop me from trying.

This self-endorsed dishonesty, adds an interesting chapter to my life so far. Maybe it’s the same kind of thing my father and their generation felt in their times. May be, this very fact that I try and come out of my comfort zone, is the struggle of my generation, may be this will be the one, that I will eventually win and will have a story of my own to share and cherish and if not, a bitter lesson to learn, Just a hard reminder that I tried my luck over something and burned my fingers badly.  All in all, its not yet over and it hurts badly, to be in the middle of it. But then the magic begins just after I am done.